treat her wisely and with jeweled intentions…

at 8:42 pm last night this happened:

in our world of 24 hour media, i know that i’m late to the game in terms of a response; however i cannot move on without providing my own commentary.

apparently the author of the above has apologized, but said apology isn’t good enough for me.

you see, i have a little brown girl who is also 9 years old. and similar to quvenzhane’ she is creative, talented, audacious, and smart…all qualities that many women my age struggle to find and express,  because we’ve been taught that its not okay.

this tweet above is communicating that her success, is not okay. that the success of a young brown girl is not okay. and instead of just lamenting that a young child is doing well…this person instead chooses the use of female genitalia (one often related to disgust) to get his point across.

while many have expressed their outraged for the onion’s tweet, i think its important to note that the above mentioned offense is nothing more than a very public display of the shaming and oppression that occurs daily in media, on tv, and throughout pop culture all together, of women and specifically women of color. its easy to speak out against something this big, but what about when it happens in a less obvious way?

the fact that this tweet received over 500 retweets and was favorited by over 400 others, has not gone unnoticed.

daily, i work hard to release my daughter and all girls from forced silence and shame imposed by our culture, and think its fair to expect the same from others…especially those who have the attention of a large portion of society; including that of little girls.

do better. and for god’s sake, stop playing around with the girl’s name. learn to say it.

haiku to white america and mainstream media

i would love to see

sometimes a reflection of

me staring at me

 

survival of the fittest?

last month, my daughter turned 9 years old. and now, with her and her almost 11 year old brother, my love and i are the proud parents of full fledged tweens. for those unfamiliar, a household of tweens means that although our sweet babies are at this moment playing nicely with each other, we are guaranteed-at some point this evening-an episode of yelling, door slamming, and most likely tears. it means that such an episode will likely occur in a 2 minute time span and at least one of us masters level educated social workers will be left speechless wondering what happened to our $100k educations. we will offer hugs and affirmation both of which will only be met with eye rolls, dirty looks, and piercing glares. and at some point, the boy will have quietly retreated to his safe zone in the basement, and on the floor (or couch or hallway-where ever the ensuing melt down occurs) will be 2 adults and one very exhausted/angry/sad/confused/happy little girl.

puberty has descended onto our home.

the best way for me to illustrate this party is to direct your minds to the weather in ohio…you know those jokes about experiencing four seasons in one day? well, come to our home and you will live through (if you’re lucky) all four seasons and likely some you never knew existed in a hour at the most. yes. puberty is quite efficient

last night i called my mom to assert that i surely never showed such madness as a young girl and she laughed hilariously (i have two sisters, so i’m sure she has me confused with one of them).

hyperbole aside…this period of my children’s lives really sucks. the boy isn’t so bad. moody, but he just leaves us alone. for some reason though, the moodiness inside my girl appears to seek out victims.

as grown ups, we know that we’ll all get through this. but what’s painful is trying to comfort a 9 year old that wants to disappear with this knowledge. its awful watching her navigate friendships and groups and identity. girls are really nasty to one another. (women are too…). its impressive that in a 6 hour school day, they have the time/stamina to learn, eat, play, fight, and play again.

we are very fortunate that overall, our kids our healthy and well adjusted. they have positive peer groups, do well in school, and are engaged in multiple extra curricular activities…and on most days are kind and sweet to each other. however, when the shift happens, i begin to question all that i thought i knew in terms of parenting…and perhaps this is partially the point. none of us really ever has it all figured out.

today one of my daughter’s 3rd grade teachers suggested the american girl book series that she’s given to her own daughter. after school, i immediately took my girl to the book store and this is what she selected

…and then she smiled at me.

i need to remind my mom of the deal we made long ago where my kids would live with her between the ages of 9-12.

“it’s strange, but when it comes right down to it i never do fall apart–even when i’m sure i will.” judy blume, forever

my wounded heart

friday at school, my son was intentionally injured by another child. outside of a little blood, he seems to be fine. there’s not much i else i can say about it at this point, but one thing i do know for sure…no other internal torment compares to experiencing the inability to protect  your child from pain.

sometimes…

…parents scream at their children

…and we’re not always 100% honest

….and we have to say that we’re sorry.

in the past 24 hours I’ve done all three, and while owning up is quite humbling, i’m confident (and desperately hopeful) that it helps us maintain our honest and transparent relationship. each day, my not so little ones remind me of the beauty nestled in unconditional love.

“our children have the the unique ability to bring out the best…and worst in us”

porn, 80’s tv, and the wisdom of children

my day job as a crisis unit supervisor is typically full of sad stories about broken people and broken systems. for a fixer like me, it is often frustrating to know that the only solution i have to offer is a listening ear and a kind heart; both being powerful in their own right. after almost 13 years in the field of social work, i have learned to develop not only a tough outer shell, but diverse tools for self preservation.

one of my favorite coping skills is the consumption of smut tv and magazines. those of us who grew up in the age of hustler, penthouse, and playboy are likely drawn to the definition of smut that points towards pornography; but allow me to challenge your thinking and introduce smut as anything involving scandal, extravagance, and overall mindless content…enter tabloid magazines and reality tv. i can’t even allow myself to calculate the abundance of dollars spent over the years on us weekly and intouch weekly. there is something soothing in reading about 1st world problems such as being on the worst dressed list or seeing which celebrity was left off of which guest list. problems that aren’t placing one in danger, and most importantly, problems i don’t have to fix.

now when it comes to reality tv, i have standards…i am all about anything involving the kardashians, and love watching what not to wear. admittedly, the latter of my selections really isn’t that bad. i enjoy stacy and clinton, and while i’m sure $5000 could be better used elsewhere; I can appreciate sowing into women and working to increase their self esteem. now onto the kardashians…

this evening while catching up on the new season of kim and kourtney take miami, my newly minted 9 year old girl came bounding out of her room after spending an hour in the land of make believe. of course she wanted to chat and eventually take control of the tv, and of course i was in the thick of the episode and needed to how kourtney and scott resolved their disagreement over him arriving in miami. i left the room for a moment to start dinner (still don’t know why they can’t have cereal every night) and i hear a sweet voice saying “mommy are you watching this?” the voice was so kind and considerate and her question was  a drastic shift from her usual practice of changing the channel regardless of who is in the room. in an effort to reward her consideration, i reluctantly said she could have the tv and continued with the tasks of dinner and lunch preparations for the next day. would you believe that my little girl turned the channel to watch the brady bunch? the brady bunch. as i started to secretly roll my eyes, i paused and realized that my daughter, in this age of reality drama, ipods, ipads, and video games was content to watch the simplistic story about the blended brady family. and this wasn’t the first time she’s watched the show, in fact she tends to enjoy other oldies such as full house, punky brewster, and the cosby show. i started to feel glad that she appreciates simplicity (not to mention her obvious impeccable taste in 80’s sitcoms). i’m happy that she’s not looking at tweens and teens acting like adults. and i’m overall glad that she is being, a little girl.

our culture moves so fast and kids tend to skip being innocent children-often out of necessity-and live a life of knowing and seeing too much. and although i could easily deconstruct the brady bunch, i’ll pass and see this for what it is. sometimes our children do know best, and i should thank her for her oblivious intervention.

“we worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today” stacia tauscher

more than a pretty face…

i wonder how the world would be if we taught our sons and daughters that these bodies are also beautiful…

“any time there is a fat person onstage as anything besides the butt of a joke, it’s political. add physical movement, then dance, then sexuality and you have a revolutionary act.” heather macallister

 

remember to wear socks when its cold outside

this morning while chatting with my almost 9-year-old daughter, she asked whether i make new year’s resolutions. as i paused for a moment, she interjects saying “most people don’t keep them anyway, so what’s the point?” i explained that setting goals/resolutions sometimes helps grown ups feel better about the things they did or didn’t do throughout the previous 12 months and that it’s a way of starting over. she pretty much lost interest after she made her point, but i continued to contemplate the purpose of a resolution. i haven’t made them in years, but i have crafted vision boards, and in my mind exists a running list of things i’d like to get done…but not an actual resolution.

a quick review of the dictionary (american heritage) produced these definitions of the word resolution: 1) the state or quality of being resolute; firm determination 2) a course of action determined or decided on. i also discovered that the notion of a resolution has religious/spiritual origins:

• the ancient Babylonians made promises to their gods at the start of each year that they would return borrowed objects and pay their debts.
• the Romans began each year by making promises to the god Janus, for whom the month of January is named.
• in the Medieval era, the knights took the “peacock vow” at the end of the Christmas season each year to re-affirm their commitment to chivalry
• during Judaism’s New Year, Rosh Hashanah, through the High Holidays and culminating in Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), one is to reflect upon one’s wrongdoings over the year and both seek and offer forgiveness.
• people may act similarly during the Catholic fasting period of Lent, though the motive behind this holiday is more of sacrifice than of responsibility, in fact the practice of New Year’s resolutions partially came from the Lenten sacrifices
• the principle for today-the fifth day of Kwanzaa-is purpose

…the overarching objective, regardless of creed, appears to be annually reflecting on and planning for self-improvement. if we pay attention, i would guess that our lists, resolutions, intentions, etc…will point to an overall theme for the upcoming days.

i think i got out of the practice of making resolutions because they’ve become so mainstream, and superficial. the thing is, they’re only superficial if we allow them to be. in a previous post, i allowed my belief that people are good, and truly mean well; and the idea of making a resolution underscores this idea. we are all trying to be the best we can be. our intentions are typically pure, and our human-ness sometimes gets in the way.

over the years i’ve participated in a variety of circles (prayer, drumming, singing, etc…) and before each one, we would always set our intention; the present focus for the collective energy to flow.

given that the past 2 new years i’ve ended up in the hospital and going through a surgery of sort, i’ve decided to try something different, and set my intention for the year. i’ve already taken control over my health by eating clean and increasing other healthy habits (getting more sleep, drinking less caffeine), but there are a few other things i’d like to focus on in 2013:

1. finally take the test for my independent license-i can speak in front of hundreds of people, but experience great anxiety when taking a test. i know the information and need to remember that it’s really okay if i don’t pass the first time, it won’t be the end of the world.
2. resume Something on the Inside-its a project i started in 2008 as a way to raise awareness regarding women & HIV, and to raise money for the Ohio AIDS Coalition. between 2 election cycles and my children getting older, i’ve had to set this aside for a bit; but i feel like its time to refocus.
3. start the process for a private practice-its time.
4. host a house party for Women Have Options-this is a very important organization that supports a woman’s choice
5. research PhD programs-i miss academia, and if i ever plan to begin my journey to professor-hood…i have to actually begin the journey.
6. begin finish my book-in my mind its complete, now i just have to get it on paper. it honors my activist roots and includes speeches written by my grandfather during the civil rights era. it will be good.
7. kiss more.
8. laugh louder.
9. visit my grandparents more often.
10. write letters-handwritten letters on pretty paper and monogrammed stationery.
11. take the kids to the theater.
12. join a womyn’s choir-during undergrad i sang in a choir that traveled across michigan and toured several of the southern states…i miss singing.
13. remember to wear socks when its cold outside-this may seem like a no brainer, but i really do not enjoy wearing socks. that being said, the snow on my feet is cold and i really don’t enjoy that either.

…and most importantly, be open to things happening that are not on this list, and remember to not be so hard on myself when one or more of these items remains on the list for 2014.

i wish you all a 2013 full of love, passion, laughter, peace, and joy!

“life is very short and what we have to do must be done in the now”-audre lorde

digging a little deeper…

i am that annoying person who will find the positive in every situation. i find strengths in the most vile of us all, and my cup perpetually runneth over. today, though, during this national moment of silence for newtown, connecticut, i struggle. i struggle to see what good has come from this incident. i struggle to understand the violence in our world and i struggle to wrap my mind and heart around the reality of a parent burying their child. and while i want to be mad at adam l., i find my own heart breaking for whatever pain or distress this young man had living inside that motivated this act of violence.

i am a social worker in a mental health crisis center, and daily serve clients whom are either homicidal or suicidal. those who are suicidal often exist in the darkest corner of despair to the extent that hopelessness would feel good. those who are homicidal aren’t necessarily filled with hate, but are typically hurting from an extremely damaged core. they come to us because they yet possess the logic, no matter how small, that violence and/or self harm really aren’t the answer. we work hard to de-escalate, redirect, counsel, and affirm. sometimes they are able to go home (if they’re not homeless-a whole other issue), but mostly they are transferred to what we consider ‘a higher level of care’; aka hospitalization. everyday, my colleagues and i hear grim stories of abuse and lack. we stress that life is worth living and that people are worth saving. so i have to wonder, for all those who hurt kill themselves and others, where were the people to talk them off the proverbial ledge? was there ever a time, that they even considered another way? why didn’t they know that their own life was worth saving.

adam l. and all the others who commit violence on a daily basis are/were hurting. may it be at the hand of another, or from their own internal source, they experience(d) a pain that many of us will never have to know.

i am yet challenged to find positives, but have been able to identify a few:

• people are being nice
• many children are getting hugged more and tighter
• the nation is talking about the hard issues of mental illness and gun violence
• communities are drawn together
• (depending on your belief system) the children who died are in a better place
• someone’s faith somewhere is renewed
• we are all a little more grateful

I understand that list above is mostly subjective and intangible, but its optimism, nonetheless…and this is what gets me up everyday. i know that there is always another way, and that people are good.  i without a doubt believe that we are all born good. our hearts are pure and our crystals are clear. i don’t believe that people genuinely want to cause harm; but the fact is, hurting people hurt others.

my hope for you is that you find that thing that gets you out of bed each day. that you discover and remember that your own life is worth saving-whatever that means for you. life hurts, but if we take the time, we can will heal.

may we all be a little more kind. let’s not be so hard on each other, and remember that we’re all just trying to survive.

“we have to consciously study how to be tender with each other until it becomes a habit…” (audre lorde)

talking to children about tragedy

unfortunately we have found ourselves needing to talk to the kids about tragedy and injustice in the world, much more often than we would like. in light of the shooting incident in connecticut yesterday (and all the other hard things that have occurred this year alone), i’ve put together a list of tips that have been helpful in getting our own 8 and 10 year old through grief, fear, and the the potential for vicarious/secondary trauma.

• give them the facts-don’t speculate or say what you ‘think may have happened’. its okay to say that you don’t have all the information right now.

• concisely answer their questions-kids will ask exactly what they want to know. there’s no need to embellish. if you don’t understand the question or are unsure of what they are really asking, its fine to get clarification.

• only make promises you can keep-don’t say ‘this will never happen to you’, rather reassure them that you will always do everything you can to keep them safe.

• be okay with silence-allow kids time to process. when we spoke with our kids last night, their initial reactions were silence. that space, while sometimes uncomfortable, is important and may last for more than a moment. sometimes kids seemingly won’t respond however their young minds need time; be prepared for their responses to happen later.

• know that you may have to talk about this more than once-you will likely have to have more than one conversation about the issue. even if you keep them away from the news, their friends will be talking or they may overhear other adults sharing information. make yourself available when they need to talk; even if they bring it up a month later, this is clearly what they need.

• don’t allow your children to watch media coverage alone-images and commentary will likely be too much for young ones to process. its often too much for us adults. we asked our children to let us know if they are wanting to watch the news about the shooting in CT and requested that we watch it together.

• role model healthy behavior-its tempting for us grown ups to zone into media coverage during times of tragedy. we will watch every channel talking about the issue and for the most part, become obsessed. this is not healthy. its traumatizing and does not model self care.

• let them know its okay to feel-tragedy and trauma will stir a multitude of emotions. some of us are sad, some get angry, others are confused. kids need to know that its alright to feel something. encourage them to talk about their feelings, or process them in a way that’s comfortable (my daughter likes to write). don’t be afraid to share your own emotions.

• maintain a level of cultural sensitivity-often in mass shootings, the phrase ‘mentally ill’ is thrown into the mix. try not to use words like ‘crazy’ or ‘messed up’ when describing a perpetrator. although this is how you feel, the reality is that mental illness is a real illness. with our kids we explained that “minds get sick just like bodies and sometimes when our minds get sick, we don’t make the good decisions, or fully understand the impact of our actions”. when osama bin laden was killed, we were cautious in the way  that we discussed the arabic/islamic communities, as they attend an extremely diverse school and have friends from many different cultures.

• help them identify safe adults in their school and community-have a conversation about who they can talk to if they see another child (or adult) with a weapon at school or in the community. underscore the fact that they’re not tattling and that these are secrets they’re supposed to tell.  our children aren’t old enough to go to the movies or stores alone, however they are at the rec center several times a week, and know the adults they can talk to if needed.

• let them be kids-there is a very real chance that your children won’t even want to talk about the issue, and that’s okay. don’t force them to be concerned or feel bad.

• understand their communication of grief and/or fear-often kids won’t verbalize their fears, rather they will unconsciously their behavior to speak instead. some examples include, needing ‘just one more hug’, lingering around more than usual, asking to be walked into school, and having a nightmare, or unspecified ‘bad dream’. honor their communication and respond  in a way that offers reassurance.

• help them find ways to feel helpful-when most of us see something bad happening to others, our initial instinct is to want to help…kids are no different. while its unlikely that they will have money or resources for financial assistance, there are things they can do to acknowledge their sympathy and strengthen their sense of global community. 1) write letters or cards of encouragement 2) donate a toy or time in honor of victims or survivors 3) pray or use another form of spiritual communication to offer support for those affected.

outside of the best tips, the most effective thing parents and caregivers can offer is their presence,  love, and compassion. what doesn’t get healed today, will inevitably hurt their tomorrow.

i choose joy

we have a friend that is stunningly gorgeous. she has a phd, a good paying job, and is married to the love of her life. she is also preparing for the death of her first child, and her father is dying a slow death from cancer.

my boy is a beautiful genius on the basketball court; really any court or field for that matter; yet school has become a thorn in his side. my girl is ok at sports, and works hard to overcome multiple areas of anxiety; however, she can get A’s in her sleep.

i could go on about the millions of ways life tends to even itself out. what’s hard, is when the evening feels cruel and we’re left feeling empty. for those that believe in god or a higher power, these are the moments when our faith is tested the most. for those that believe in nothing greater than themselves; i imagine reconciliation becomes a bit  more difficult.

i think sometimes we get into a space of arrogance and entitlement. its human. who hasn’t cried or thrown a tantrum of sort when things didn’t quite go how we expected?

the other day i was watching the show 19 kids and counting (reproductive rights are reproductive rights) and the episode was the finale from last year when their daughter died while she was still in her mama’s belly. it showed the actual moment when they learned that the baby had passed away, and i yet marvel at the grace and strength that woman showed when the heartbeat was gone. even more intriguing, is that while she cried and sobbed, she was still able to find the joy in her circumstance.

i’m in a space in my life where i wonder whether anyone really has it all. i am fascinated by the magical way life tends to balance itself in the most painful of situations.  i remember going through a divorce 10 years ago and the darkness i never thought i would shake. its a reality i would never wish on my worse enemy, yet i came out on the other end thankful for the trial. it was during that time that i grew the most and discovered who i am and who i want to be. i was also gifted with motherhood.

i acknowledge that it can be annoying when someone encourages us to ‘look on the bright side’; and that’s fine. i think its perfectly healthy to embrace our pain in a way that feels best; but at some point, we must learn to see the light and find the joy…to find something greater. the thing is, its actually easy to stay in the dark; to succumb to the heaviness, but there is no strength there.

i certainly don’t have all of this figured out and i’m not even close to having all the answers; but what i do know is this…each day i have a choice…a choice to accept misery or to choose joy. today, i choose joy.

i send peace, comfort, and strength to my friend across the country. i pray that she experiences unspeakable joy during her final moments with her precious girl and that she finds clarity at the end of her pain.  i pray that her tears leave the stain of wisdom and warrior strength.